Bathrooms Don't Make Sense
by laceflower97
Summary: DaveCro in the bathroom. I don't know what to say about this. You probably shouldn't read this. I found it on my hard drive and apparently I wrote this in like 2013. I'm laughing so hard. I wrote this for a Cronus roleplayer if I remember correctly. This is so fucking awful, read at your discretion. This is such bad Dave x Cronus. Holy shit, this is so cringe worthy.


Your name is Dave Strider and this shit is fucking unbelievable. Did this asshole just lock himself in the bathroom? He actually took the time to turn that little lock thing on the back of the doorknob and lock himself inside the bathroom. What even is that lock thing called? A door lock? That doesn't even sound right, it sounds like a really bad ship name off of one of those websites Jade is always on. Anyways, yeah, he locked the door and you had to piss so very bad. It was like that one time you chugged three gallons of apple juice on a web call because John and Rose didn't believe in your complete devotion to the shit. You served them a piping hot plate of shut the fuck up. It was like your bladder was the size of a basketball, it was actually protruding a bit. It sort of looked like you ate too much Taco Bell at three in the morning. You banged on the door a couple times, waiting and tapping your foot, squirming a little bit. Luckily, no one could see you so you didn't look so much like an idiot.

Who the fuck locks a bathroom door anyways? Bro did that one time but he sometimes takes Cal into the shower with him and you don't even begin to want to know what that shit is all up and about. Bro was truly the master of irony and sometimes you knew deep down that it wasn't all ironic, it was a tad bit disconcerting and creepy. Not even creepy like that one song Creepy Girls by that one band that got too popular so you don't listen to them anymore. It was creepy like the Miley Cyrus cut out your English teacher keeps in the trunk of his car. Weird fucking shit head.

You banged on the door harder and heard a bang in response, like someone fell, probably getting out of the shower. There was some cursing and some jumbling with the doorknob and finally the door was thrown open. Holy shit yes finally access to the piss tube.

"Wvhat the fucking hell do you wvant cheif? Don't you see that I'm tryin' to squeeze in some personal time wvhile in the showver?" the man, well, guy, thing, infront of you groaned and you didn't even care.

He was wrapped in a towel, so it wasn't weird when you pushed his sort of scaly and gill covered body out of the way and rushed to the toliet, pissed that it was down and you flung it up, unzipping your pants and soon, taking the longest, hardest piss in your life.

"Who the fuck leaves the toliet seat down?" you question, trying not to sound uncool while pissing in front of a fish guy and then, a second later, you speak to recant that statement, "Never mind, it probably has something to do with xenobiology and I'm so not cracking into the shithole of a book that's a secret wrapped in a metaphor consumed by an enigma."

Obviously, somewhere in that statement, you totally lost fish guy. Completely lost him in that sentence. Poor guy, probably forgot where he was, you needed to console him but you were pissing and that'd be a little weird. Luckily, greaser fish spoke up, finally finding his wits.

"Ay, look, alright, that shit doesn't evwen matta. You knowv wvhat does matta? You, bargin' in on Cro's personal showver time." he snapped back, his earfins extending a bit as he shot a glare over to you. He really enjoyed his shower time, liking being covered by H2O, little fucking living atoms, the sick fuck.

"I didn't even barge in, if I barged in, it would have been like some shit like Jackie Chan, knocking down the door and riding in on a flaming unicorn imported from the world YZC135." you reply, finding the others annoyance at you sort of humorous.

Trolls in general humored you, they were just so annoying it was actually kind of endearing. Now, when they become murderous clowns from that one movie called IT, you don't like them very much. I mean, sure, sometimes they're kind of cool but really, they're all annoying as fuck. You suppose you were sent to inform them on how to be a real Cool Kid and not just be an asshole, like this douche fish over here.

Yeah, douche fish wanted to be cool so bad, going from his greased back hair to his unlit cigarette. What is he, fucking John Green? "It's a metaphor, you don't let the killing thing kill you" or some shit like that. Rose had a hell of a time mocking it, but you knew secretly she liked it.

Back on topic here, he looked at you, looking confused as to why you were standing. He made his towel a little tighter and moved a little closer, "Ay, chief, you don't havwe to, you knowv, sit though? Isn't that uncomfortable?" he asked, shifting slightly.

Shit, hell no. You are not giving this 1950's rip off a biology lesson. "Well yeah. That's how guy humans piss. There's no other way. I don't want my dick in the water." you reply, shit. You fucked up here, you are giving a biology lesson aren't you?

"Wvell wvhat the fuck?" he replied quickly, grabbing the box of cigarettes on the faucet and putting one in his mouth and then directly looking down at your crotch. This was a little weird. Okay, maybe more than a little weird. It was uncomfortable, like the time John told you Howie pissed in your apple juice. Fucking asshole. The shit wasn't even open.

"It's called a dick. I piss out of it." you sighed, over exasperated with this, but you couldn't show it. No you could not. That wouldn't be cool. You felt your forehead sweat. No. No you had to hold it back.

This John Travolta remake would not be the cause to make you look uncool. He moved to get a better look at it and then proceeded to ask, "So it's kind of like a bulge. It looks like a wverird, rounded, non-movwin' vwersion."

Oh fuck, luckily you were with Terezi so you understand what he's talking about. This was getting way out of hand and there was no foreseeable way of getting out of it. "Yeah, I mean, I guess it has the same purposes."

He shifted and seemed to have a glint in his eyes, making this whole thing a lot more awkward. You got fucking awkward that one time Rose winked at you. You can't take this shit. This shit was heated like a microwave with a phone inside of it.

"So, I suppose, then kitten, ya do the wvhole, reproduction thing wvith it." and there it was. The question he had to answer with a straight face.

Come on Dave. You can do it. You are Dave Strider. Make your Bro proud. You would not lose to this dead tuna.

"Yeah, you fuck bitches with it. You get down like Mister T on a Saturday night, you make even Shakira's hips lie with this baby." you reply, motioning to your member.

Oh god, that was such an awful response. So fucking bad.

Your face flushed just the slightest bit but, somehow the douche salmon much of picked up on it, because his earfins flared out more and his eye slits, if he had pupils, would have been slit. He placed a hand on your lower back as you finished up and you felt stuck. You had to wipe your dick but that meant you had to bend over. You couldn't just put your dick back without wiping. You slowly bent over, quickly grabbing a piece of toilet paper and wiped it off, flushing the toilet in record time. You then turned, trying to get around him but, he put his arm around you tighter, making you look at him. You began to sweat, your heart racing and you knew his intent, like you did all along.

"You, uh, care if I get a closer look chief?" he questioned, wiggling his eyebrows.

You slowly backed out of his arm, against the wall and just shrugged, "I mean, I'm not going to say yes but I'm not saying no." good middle ground cool kid, trying not to lose your cool kid license.

Cronus placed his hand on his side, rubbing it up and down, "You ain't sayin' no Mista Strider." he breathed into his ear and you squirmed, closing your ears and breathing roughly. Fuck, this situation wasn't going to be gotten out of, was it?

He rubbed between the others legs and growled softly, while you squirmed and breathed harshly, trying to not make any noise. Your pants began to tighten as you felt wetness against your jean pants, which much mean the others bulge was making its appearance. You'd seen it before, that one time you really messed around with Terezi. Fuck, you wished you knew what to do in this position, you just froze up, nervous and inexperienced. You'd never admit it, but this was the one place you were naive. Of course Bro made all those weird smut films but, it never was real sex so, you didn't know how this was supposed to go. It was sudden and you weren't prepared.

He felt you up nicely, his fingers long and cold as he pulled your member back out for you and smirked as he knew how good this was going to feel to both of you. His earfins extended all the way out as his bulge wrapped around your member, making you take a loud gasp. The fluid was warm but the bulge itself was slightly cold, it was like the two feelings combined to make a euphoric feeling. You groan out, laying your head back against the bathroom wall and taking the feeling in completely. The douche fish reaches up your shirt and feels at your chest with his claws, scratching in and grinding his hips against you as his bulge works your lower over thoroughly. You felt your insides clench with every moment and his pushed his cold lips over yours and you clumsily kissed back. He found it endearing but, as the douche fish he was, he'd never tell you. You kissed back harder as the feeling intensified, you couldn't believe it could get more intense and finally, you begin to groan loudly, which made the others bulge clench around your cock. It was tasty, messy, and unorthodox. You loved it, but as the cool kid you were, you'd never say it. He cried out slightly, his head pulling away from the kiss as you felt hot liquid run down your let. You climaxed soon after him, spluttering your cum on his stomach. He slowly pulled away and winked at him, letting the towel drop from around his waist and he moved back into the shower to wash off. You paused for a moment.

"Ain't you gettin' in chief? You gotta be feelin' like you need a showver?" he growled to him lowly and you did just that, got undressed and got in, just to wash off.


End file.
